Ty Bennett is the founder of Leadership Inc, a speaking and training company dedicated to empowering individuals and organizations. He is a gifted communicator who has a unique ability to make the complex simple and to teach and inspire.
When Ty was 21 years old he started a business with his brother Scott, which they built to over $20 million in revenue while still in their twenties. Because of this experience and success Ty has been able to speak to more than 100,000 people in 7 countries.
Ty’s early entrepreneurial success led New York Times Bestselling Author Bob Burg to say, “I wish I could get back to Tys age and know what Ty knows. He will amaze you!”
Ty is the author of The Power of Influence, which has been described as “How To Win Friends & Influence People for our day.”
Male: Preparing business for business is on the air. Join hosts, president of the New York Shop Exchange and Kyle Clouse, vice president for insightful and creative strategies to prepare your business for business. Listen in for great guests and great offers from our guests and sponsors, as well thought-provoking dialogue. Preparing Business for Business offers usable content, insightful ideas and the resources to jumpstart your business in an effective, economical manner and to prepare your business for growth and challenges and now, your hosts for Preparing Business for Business, Marcia Hawkins and Kyle Clouse.
Marcia Hawkins: Good evening, everybody and I do welcome you to the Business Preparing for Business radio program on the business network preparedness radio network and this is a Marcia Hawkins along with my cohost, Kyle Clause. Today is November 29, 2011 at 7 p.m. on Eastern Standard time zone. On this last day of November, which is showing us some pretty warm temperatures here in the Northeast.
We do welcome you here and thank you for joining us here every Wednesday evening to take an informative look at how we can help you prepare your business for more business. We have a treasure trove of ideas and some great information for you along with some pretty exciting guests and informative commentary.
Our true intention and our goal each week is really quite simple. We want to provide you with the tools that you need to either start a business, grow your existing business or offer up solutions and some challenging times that we’re all facing right now. But I’ve got to get my cohost in here really fast tonight because I’m very, very excited about the guest we have on tonight.
Kyle Clouse: Hey, how you doing, Marcia?
Marcia Hawkins: I’m pretty good. So I am just so excited that you are able to secure your our guest for this evening. Without further ado, let’s enlighten our guest as to who we have on tonight.
Kyle Clouse: Yeah, we’ve got – you know it’s really exciting because we have a two-part series with our guest. Our guest is it Ty Bennett, he is the founder of Leadership Inc. and tonight we’re going to be talking about the power of influence. Next week will be the power of stories and Ty Bennett being the federal of leadership, what that is is speaking and training company that is dedicated to empowering individuals and organizations.
And Ty, I’ve actually been to a few of the Ty’s events and he is a very gifted communicator and speaker and have unique ability to inspire people and to teach and to make the complex very simple.
Marcia Hawkins: I just want to interject something really quick though of my perception of Ty. I’ve never met Ty. I’ve only briefly spoke to him on the phone prior to us going live but one thing that came across and the audio set that you sent me as a gift was that I didn’t hear Ty’s words, I felt them. And that to me was pretty powerful.
So let’s bring our guest on because I just think that the audience is going to be quite excited to listen to Ty tonight. Good evening, Ty. How are you?
Ty Bennett: I am great. Thanks so much for having me and Marcia, I have to tell you, that’s a great compliment to hear that coming through in the audio program that you heard and I hope that tonight we can share some great insights that are going to help the people who are listening.
Marcia Hawkins: Yeah, you know I just wanted to tell our listeners to really kind of relax their minds a little bit, you know, try to really absorb you know, some of the information that you’re going to be able to download to them tonight because it’s really amazing.
I have your audio set in my car and I’m probably wearing the CD out because I listened to it all the time. And it’s just amazing how many times I listen to it and every time I listen to it, I pick up one new thing, you know, another new thing and I can just can never stop learning from these audios.
So I got to say in some of the dialogue on your CDs and some of your thought processes are so powerful, can you give our listeners just a little bit of insight as to where you developed that?
Ty Bennett: Well, I think that overall, I owe a lot to my parents. I was born to really good – great parents who have taught me tremendous amount and who have been amazing examples to me.
But I’m a fairly young guy, I’m 30 years old but in my ’20s I’ve had quite a bit of experience probably much more than most people have had in their ’20s. My brother and I started a business when I was 21 and he was 22. And you know, we struggled at first but we kind of made our way through those struggles and actually built that business over $20 million in revenue while still in our ’20s on an annual basis.
And I – in the process of doing that, really discovered my love for teaching and inspiring and we built a very large sales organization so I did a lot of speaking in the process of that. And so I wrote a book called The Power of Influence and have put out a couple of audio programs, a new video training program and had a chance to speak all over the world in more than a dozen countries in the Fortune 500 companies and all sorts of different organizations.
And for me I would think more than anything I guess it really comes down to me being a constant learner myself. I’m always studying and learning and reading and just trying to fine tune myself. I think that life is really about growth and if we adopt that philosophy of constantly learning and growing and becoming a better person, then we’re –we always have something to look forward to.
Marcia Hawkins: Absolutely. So can you tell us what was your inspiration to write The Power of Influence?
Ty Bennett: You know, I believe that every business, every entity if you will, every family, every organization, you name it, I think that it all really boils down to leadership. I think that if you want to survive and to thrive personally it comes down to your own personal leadership I think that if you look at any organization, the level of leadership that they have of the people who are involved is really what moves people forward. And when you boil it down what leadership is because it’s one of those nebulous terms that you can find 5 million definitions for.
I think influence is the best tangible idea of what leadership really is. Because if you have the ability to move people, if you have the ability to inspire people, to influence people in the direction that you want them to go, whether that’s in the sales process, you’re influencing them to buy your products in a leadership capacity, you are helping them to buy into your vision and to take action on that. Maybe it’s in the teaching capacity and you’re helping to influence the way that they learn and the amount of effort that they’re willing to put into something, it could be in the mentoring capacity, it could be in a speaking capacity, being able to influence people from stage, whatever area that is, influence is really the tangible action item of leadership. And the thing about influence that I love there is that it’s very practical. You can learn it step-by-step. You can learn the techniques and the tools of it but it’s also very profitable when you do learn those things and begin to apply them.
Kyle Clouse: Ty, one of the things – let me just sneek in on a couple of points here because one thing that I thought of when Marcia earlier was talking about she was able to feel your words, one of the things that came to mind as I was speaking because I’ve experienced that too. I’ve listened to your CD, The Power of Belief. I know we’re not talking about that, you have – the word that came to mind was “connect”. And you have the ability to connect with your audience. And just wondering, how does that sit in to influence, being able to connect with your audience or if it’s someone you were speaking to over the phone?
Ty Bennett: Well, I think the connection is really key to influence in a huge way. Next week, we’ll dive into this even more as we talk about the power of stories and how to communicate your story and your message because I think one of the things that people need to recognize is when it comes to communication, any leader, any influencer is a communicator.
By nature, we’re all in the people business. We all interact with people everyday whether it’s at work, at home, at play, in whatever capacity it may be and the way that we connect and move within the people business is through communication. So we need to just face that fact and work on becoming better communicators. But I think people miss the mark in communication because most people are aiming after perfection.
I mean, you think about it. You’re trying to – when you ask somebody, “How did your presentation go?” they’d go, “Oh, it was perfect.” Or you know, I don’t know. I could’ve been better in this capacity and their aim, their goal is perfection but the goal of communication is not perfection, it really is connection.
You see, the truth is with communication it never goes perfect. I mean this radio show is going to be great but there’ll be things when you go back and you listen to it and you say, “I could’ve said that better,” or you know, “I could’ve done this better,” “this transition could’ve been smoother.”
I mean that happens in anything. There’s never perfect communication. But if you can make a connection with somebody, that perfection can be made, that lack of perfection can be made up for and people will still take action even though it’s not perfect.
So for me, my goal is really connection whether that’s with an individual or with an audience. I think that that comes down to a couple things. Number one, you need to be authentic.
People can read if you are true and real or not. If you’re trying to be something that you’re not, it comes across to people in the conviction in your voice and the look in your eyes and the way that you say things. And so for me, one of the things I’ve – I know for me I don’t just write about anything, I don’t just speak on any subject. I want to speak on subjects that I feel like I have a lot of experience and a lot of know-how and can talk about it in an authentic way and feel like I am an expert in that area because I’ve had success there.
Otherwise I don’t feel authentic and I don’t feel like I can connect and the right way. So authenticity is a huge piece. Just the simple focus of designing your concept and making it about the listener, making it about the other person as opposed to making it about yourself and we’ll talk about that a little bit when it comes to influence. But those simple little things really change the connection that you have with people.
And I agree Kyle, I think it’s a good point that especially when it comes to communication, don’t focus on perfection. Focus on connection.
Kyle Clouse: So very, very good, Ty. Very good. What – one thing, it’s funny as you mentioned being authentic, I actually wrote a note. I was writing as you were talking and I wrote a note from earlier when you were talking about you and your brother’s business and talking about you know, how you generated $20 million in revenue before you reach the age I think, it was 28 if I remember correctly.
But one of the things that I wrote down was when you were saying that, you weren’t saying that in a manner that was bragging, you were saying that in a way that was showing what’s possible. And when we think about in the terms of the world today when we think of a lot of money, we see it as fast cars and fancy clothes and expensive jewelry but you don’t come across that way. You come across very authentic and that’s something that I wrote down is how you apply authenticity into the power of influence and you really hit that on the – you really nailed that.
One thing that I would like to hear about Ty, is how and maybe you can explain this because I’ve heard you speak and so I can ask this question and if you can explain this. The plan really – you talk a lot about the platinum rule and how does that apply to influence?
Ty Bennett: Yeah. I want to give a little bit of context in – as we lead up to that. Just from a simple standpoint that I really believe as an influencer, the idea that you need to come away with it, if you were to take anything away from this call and you were to say, “Okay, what is Ty’s main message? What is – how do I become more influential?” And the way you become more influential is that it’s not about you, it’s about them. It’s never about you.
I mean, think about it from a standpoint. If you’re a leader, if you don’t have followers, then you, by definition, are not a leader. And so you don’t exist without the people that you’re leading. And so it has to be about the people that you’re leading and not about you. If you’re a speaker and you don’t have an audience, well your message isn’t impacting anybody and so it has to be about them. The same thing if you’re a teacher, the same thing if you’re in sales and whatever capacity you are influencing someone or trying to influence someone, it’s always about them. It’s always about your audience.
Well, the platinum rule is a great application of that principle. Now we’ve heard of the Golden rule before and the golden rule I think is a great rule. I mean, I remember learning it in Sunday school when I was a kid and my parents were reinforcing that and I’ve reinforced that with my kids as I’ve said, you know, “You treat other people the way that you would want to be treated” and what’s that teaching is more of an ethics. It’s teaching that you’re not going to hurt somebody because you don’t want to be hurt. You’re not going to do something mean to somebody or you want to treat people in a manner in which they would love – you would love to be treated, with respect and kindness.
But when it comes to communication and influence, the thing that I think we don’t recognize is that being as a people business, we need to recognize the difference within people and we need to be willing to give that extra effort to connect with people individually as opposed to as a whole.
And the Platinum Rule is a step above the Golden Rule and it’s to treat other people the way they want to be treated. Not the way you want to be treated, the way that they want to be treated and that sounds like just a little nuance and you might say, “Yeah, what’s the difference?” Well, the difference is huge. When you think about the fact that each of us, you know, the three of us on the phone, if we were to talk about the difference and our likes, what motivates us, what drives us, the pet peeves that we have, our favorite things, the things that we’re really going after in terms of our goals, we are all very different people.
And so if I can learn those things enough about each of you, you know, Kyle, I’m going to treat you differently in some ways that I’m going to treat Marcia because of the simple fact that you are two different people. And if I care enough to try and influence you individually then I’m going to practice the platinum rule. So the platinum rule I think is a such a great rule of thumb when you start to really try and influence people but it’s based on the whole idea that influence is always about the other person.
Marcia Hawkins: Absolutely. I could not agree with that more. That is for sure. I just want to do a quick backup a little bit. As you were talking with Kyle and talking about influence, do you find that you’re so good at communicating with influence because you have been so heavily influenced?
Ty Bennett: I think that has a lot to do with it. I mean, you definitely learn from role models in that regard and I learned a lot from the people that had influenced me. And you know, I – people ask me all the time, “Who are your mentors?” And the truth is I learned from so many different people and I learned different things. I don’t know that I have one mentor for everything but I can take great qualities and great experiences and great things from everybody I meet but absolutely, I know for me, I don’t believe people are self-made at all. I don’t believe in that concept. I think that there’s a lot of influences that affect each of us and I think then if you’ll buy into that principle then it becomes our responsibility to be that positive influence for the people that you are around as well.
Marcia Hawkins: I’m going to veer off track a little bit and I hope it’s okay but I’m just very curious to pick your brain about this one particular subject because this one stumps me a lot. For me, I have absolutely no problem instigating change. When I see something –I’m great at making a decision, I don’t need to vacillate on it for very long. When I see something that needs to be done, I do it. And yet I find sometimes that many people really stuggle with instigating change in their life. Any thoughts on that?
Ty Bennett: I think people struggle with change quite a bit. I think that, you know, we hate the word change, we almost look at it like a four letter word. I think number one we need to change your mindset about the word change. I don’t personally like to use the word change not because I personally see it as having a negative connotation but most people do. What I want you to – just listen to the difference of how that sounds. If I were to change the word change to the word growth, what’s the difference that that makes in your mind?
Marcia Hawkins: Oh, a completely different mindset.
Ty Bennett: Okay, so – can you name that change that you make in your life where it doesn’t cause you to grow? I mean, every change causes you to grow, every new experience causes you to grow. And you know, I think if you want to be successful, the truth, that we fear change because it’s uncomfortable. We fear change because it’s unknown. You know, it feels a little bit risky, it doesn’t feel you know, and we are creatures of pleasure and comfort and so we don’t like to step into the unknown but the truth is if you want to be successful, you have to get really comfortable with being uncomfortable because in the world we live in today, everything is changing.
I mean think about it. Five years ago if I would’ve said, “We’re going to promote this. We’re going to have a radio show on the Internet and we’re going to promote it over Facebook,” you’re going to go, “What are you talking about?” I mean, everything is changing. Just even the platform, the business that you and Kyle operate, that platform didn’t exist a year ago, the ability to do what you’re doing. And so we have to be willing to adapt and grow I think it starts with our mindset. I’d change – I would switch out the word change for growth and recognize that we need to be uncomfortable and that’s okay because that growth process requires a little bit of being uncomfortable but that’s what sets us apart from most people who aren’t willing to do that.
Marcia Hawkins: I often say that people get very comfortable, uncomfortably. They are very uncomfortable and yet you have to be very comfortable with it, I talk about that quite a bit. So I know Kyle’s chomping at the bit to ask you another question. So, Kyle?
Kyle Clouse: Oh no – yeah, absolutely. Well in your book, Ty, since we’re to tie it up on The Power of Influence, your book on chapter three you talked about developing outward taking and one of the things that I love about your book is that each chapter begins with a quote that you put in there. I just want to quickly read the quote that you have there by Napoleon Hill that says, “Self-discipline begins with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don’t control what you think, you can’t control what you do. Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterward.”
So can you tell us a little bit about what you mean by developing outward thinking?
Ty Bennett: Well, Kyle I alluded to that a little bit earlier. When – to change your thought process from a me focused thought process, to a you focused thought process, meaning the other person, to go from inner directed to outer directed from a selfish state to a selfless state, that’s not a natural thought process.
Our natural thought process is for us to be selfish, to thrust to take our own needs, wants and desires and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s basic human nature. But if we can change that, if we can make that shift, that really comes across the people in a genuine way and a way that for you care about them first.
If you think about it in the sales position. There’s the old saying that “nobody wants to be sold but everybody wants to buy.” Well, what does that really mean? You’ve probably all felt a salesperson who you know cares way more about the commission they’re going to make than they do about whether or not you make the right choice. We’ve all felt that before. But you’ve also probably felt somebody who cares way more about you as an individual than they do about the money they’re going to make from the transaction.
That’s what I’m talking about. It’s being able to place the other person first being an outward thinker because that thought process just like Napoleon Hill just said that thought, it starts there and if we get our thought process right, that comes across in the right way to people that we’re interacting with.
Kyle Clouse: Very, very good. Absolutely. Tell us a little bit about – and the story that goes along with this. Tell us about the elephant mindset.
Ty Bennett: Well I used that analogy in the book because to me – I had a mentor when I was 19 years old who really drove home the power of our thinking in my mind and he did it with this analogy. When he talked about when a baby elephant is born into captivity, the captors will take that baby elephant and they’ll take a big heavy chain and they’ll drive a huge stake into the ground and they’ll chain that baby elephant’s leg to the stake and that elephant will pull and pull and pull and to no avail. He won’t be able to pull away from it, he’ll be stuck.
The reason they do that when he’s young is because then he develops the mindset that it’s not possible to escape. Well they have to do that when he’s young because the elephant will grow in size and stature to the point where he can rip that stake right out of the ground but because he doesn’t think it’s possible, as he grows and becomes a bigger elephant, they actually can hold the elephant there with a shoelace, not because it’s not possible but just because he doesn’t think it’s possible.
And you know, I know that elephants don’t have the same brains that we do but the truth is that analogy holds true with humans as well. We often don’t do things not because they are possible but just because we don’t think they’re possible and if we understand how powerful our thought processes are and as it pertains to influence the conversation we are having, thinking selfishly is a powerful thought process that drives even subconscious actions that will impact whether or not you influence people. And so changing that to think outwardly and to place other people first will really have an impact on the way you interact with people.
Kyle Clouse: Absolutely. You know, it’s just an interactions with people. And Marcia and I, we talked about this as well is there’s a lot of people out there that don’t feel like they have any control whatsoever with their circumstances. You know, everything happens to them and they feel like they don’t have any control and you know, as soon as – it’s in the elephant story. There comes a pull, the elephant doesn’t feel like he has any control over his surroundings or what’s chaining him back.
In your book, you offer a litmus test. And for anyone listening, how to recommend the book, The Power of Influence, you can pick up at LeadershipInc.com. But in the litmus test you gave some indicators that what a person can ask himself whether at – you know, with the power of influence and with the platinum rule in developing an outward mindset.
If you had a – if you just rattle off on a couple of words and key to – actually Ty, we have to get to this after the break. Marcia?
Marcia Hawkins: Yes, sure. Okay, we’re going to take a quick break to highlight our sponsors. This is the Business Preparing You for Business program on the Preparedness radio network. I am Marcia Hawkins along with Kyle Clouse inviting you here each week to join us for an informative dialogue on everything about business preparation. Also please stop by and visit us at NewYorkShopExchange.com and thank you for allowing us to your business prepare for business. We’ll be right back.
Okay, welcome back. Again, this is Marcia Hawkins along with Kyle Clouse. Our guest this evening is Ty Bennett of Leadership Inc and you can also get his book, The Power of Influence at www.LeadershipInc.com. Again, the power of influence at Leadership Inc.
So Kyle, why don’t you go ahead and ask Ty that follow-up question you had right before the break? I think – did we lose Kyle?
Kyle Clouse: I’m sorry, Marcia. I’m here. I’m sort of having a technical difficulty.
Marcia Hawkins: Okay.
Kyle Clouse: We were talking about outward thinking and putting others first and at the end of Ty’s – at the end of the chapter, Ty has a litmus test. And just curious, Ty, what are some of the main key points that someone can ask themself to see how they’re doing on outward thinking?
Ty Bennett: Well number one, I think a lot of people who are listening are probably involved in sales and if you are, I really want you to think about in the process of getting through a sales conversion, as you are talking to a perspective client, are you really concerned more or thinking about more the commission you’re going to make or about the client themselves? And really, what’s going through your mind? Because that subtle difference will come across to the person you’re talking to.
Another idea is, as you think about it, we’re all involved in personal relationships. And how do we react to things? When things are brought up, do we get defensive and do we place blame in other areas or do we take personal responsibility? I think some of those things will really telltale signs on how you’re doing with your thought process. And trust me Kyle, when I say it for me, I think that that wasn’t assessed as something that you could take on a weekly, monthly, daily basis because it’s something I think you always have to keep in check and something I know I’m constantly working on.
Marcia Hawkins: Well, I think that segues nicely into – about investing in people. Can you talk a little bit about that?
Ty Bennett: Yeah. One of my key strategy is I believe that as I watched other influencers and that I teach in my book is to start to invest in people. I learned this from a mentor that I came across when I was a senior in high school and he taught me the importance of investing in people when he told me he wanted to invest in me. And when I heard the word invest I thought he just meant money and I was like I don’t know what to do with it, am I going to start a business or anything right now.
And then he said, “You know, Ty, I have almost found that I get my highest return on investment when I invest in people.” And that always stuck with me because what I’ve come to realize in my leadership capacity than those I’ve watched other great influencers is that people invest in people with time, with care, with understanding. It’s that little difference that makes such a huge impact in people’s lives.
And so it’s little things like reaching out just to say hello instead of having something that you want to get out of the situation. Maybe just making it about them and then when was the last time that you just called somebody just to check in and see how they’re doing? Or when was the last time that you wrote a thank you note, like a physical a thank you note, put a stamp on it, put it in the mail and sent it to somebody?
I know for me, I got a thank you note from somebody in the mail a couple weeks ago. I spoke at our church and somebody sent me a thank you note and just said, “You know what? What you said today I think was just perfect for me to hear.” I kept that card, it means something to me. It’s a little investment that they made in me. I feel more connected to that person. I honestly don’t know that person very well. But that meant something to me and those little investments, they’re like deposits in an emotional bank account so they really do pay dividends over time.
And so if you can adopt this philosophy of everyday as a leader, say, whom I going to invest in? Who am I going to make a little bit of extra effort? Who’s somebody on my team that I can do something extra for today or who’s one of my clients or customers that I can reach out to a make a little investment in? That investment is going to pay huge in the long run.
Marcia Hawkins: Absolutely.
Kyle Clouse: Now – that’s perfect. As we’re talking about investing in other people, Ty, I’m going to ask you a yes or no question but please follow-up with an explanation. But when it comes to investing in people, do little things matter?
Ty Bennett: I think they absolutely matter. I mean, I gave you that example of the thank you card but I mean, just little things. For example,, if you Kyle were just to offer you know, come out and say, you and I ran into each other and you were to offer or we work together and you were to offer me a treat or something, you have a candy bar in the office, that would be great.
But if you want a little bit over, a little bit extra and you knew what my favorite candy bar was, that’s a really little thing, right? But that would stick out to me. If you were to say, “Hey, Ty, I got you a milky way,” because it happens to be my favorite candy bar. Just the fact that you cared enough to know that, that would make a difference for me. I mean that’s just a little thing but it’s those little things that really make a huge difference. There’s a lot of analogies for that but when it comes to interacting with people they do for sure.
Marcia Hawkins: Yeah, it’s all about the impression, too. Absolutely. And I’ve always said that when you invest in people, it’s the gift that keeps on getting good or bad.
Ty Bennett: Yeah.
Marcia Hawkins: And I often said when I look at relationships that we have whether they are of business nature, whether they are of a mother-child, a brother-sister, mother-father and you kind of segued into that in the beginning of the show when you talked about your parents being such a strong influence on you. And think a lot of times, people forget the littlest of gestures can go a long way. Good or bad. I definitely think that that’s something we all need to look at especially as you related it to the sales process.
If somebody were, you know, one of our listeners was thinking about, whether they were in the business, they’re going to start a business, they’re thinking about what they should do, what type of mindset would you recommend for somebody who is about to say hire employees and what their mindset should be and how they can invest in their employees?
Ty Bennett: Well, if they’re looking to hire people, I mean, number one I think, you need to be really clear on the type of person that you are looking for and uncover ways that you can discern in the interview process the qualities of those people. But once those people are part of your team, I believe that it’s a leader’s job to invest in their people on a daily basis. I don’t think you can just do this now and again. If you do wait too long and to invest in your people and you don’t do it often enough, you lose traction in terms of the influence that you have with those people.
It’s your opportunity when you are in a leadership role to grow or decline your influence on a daily basis and if you’ll make that investment part of your daily practice, you’ll continue to grow that. Because by nature, if you own the business, you have some influence over those people but there’s three types of influence. There’s situational influence where people follow because they have to and that situational influence may be because you provide their checks so they have to listen to you. But the difference that that makes is really when somebody follows because they have to, they’ll do things that they won’t fully give their self to things, they won’t fully commit to those things.
And commitment makes a huge difference in terms of the quality of work that they do and all that. But what we’re looking for is what I call lasting influence, which means that people follow you because of who you are and how you treat them and that’s a huge difference.
It has nothing to do with your title, has nothing to do with whether or not you pay their check or anything, it has everything to do with the way you interact with them and whether they choose to follow you or not.
Marcia Hawkins: So if – along that vein, is there a time where all the positive influence you can shower upon somebody, are there times – if the audience so to speak, is not hearing you, I’m sure in all your public speaking that you’ve done at times, did you ever feel like maybe and I guess this goes back to what you talked about earlier that connection, being able to connect with them I mean and as you also so eloquently put at times, you will be communicating and might just be a little off, you’re not able to convey your message. And I think sometimes, we kind of second-guess ourselves and think what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently, any suggestions about that when your audience isn’t as receptive as you’d like them to be?
Ty Bennett: Well, if you have the ability to, one of those other ways to really increase connection is to be real. And real is different than authentic. Authentic means that you are practicing what you preach and you’re not doing like – but being real, if you can go back, I have had so many conversations when I’ll go back to people and say, “You know, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong but for whatever reason it feels like we’re butting heads and we’re not connecting.” I mean, from your perspective, how do you see it? And really learn how to listen and learn how to let that – open that person up and be real and be open to their feedback and their ideas especially if it’s somebody that you worked with closely.
I’ve done that with clients. I’ve gone back and I’ve said, “You know, I don’t know where I missed the boat but for some reason you are not seeing this the same way I am and explain it to me, help me to understand what I did wrong,” and if you can have that genuine, real conversation, that can create that connection as well.
Marcia Hawkins: Great advice.
Kyle Clouse: We’d love to stay on this but in fact, Ty, this really segues into something that you talked a lot about and that’s about being interested and not interesting. Can you explain what you mean by that and how can we do that?
Ty Bennett: Well, I think the funny thing– I mean, remember my rule isn’t always about them. Okay, so think about it. If we focus about being interesting, that’s all about us. Like, how can I look cool? I mean, Kyle, I’m going to drive a flashy car so that people would go, “Wow! That’s somebody I got to talk to.” Well, you mentioned that earlier, if I came home with an expensive car, my wife would probably make me take it back but that’s a good thing of having a wife, it keeps you humble.
But if I’m interested in other people, Dale Carnegie had a great quote where he said, “You can make more friends in three months than you can in three years by being interested rather than interesting.” And what do I mean by that? Well here’s a couple of practical things. Number one, learn how to ask really good questions. Questions that open people up and questions – not only being able to ask them like word those questions the right way but also relay those questions in a way where the person feels comfortable and is willing to open up, so that they’re willing to talk. Then if you can get them to open up and really feel like you are genuinely interested, then really listen. And not listen to respond where you’re listening to the question and thinking in your head, “Okay, how am I going to rebuttal this? What am I going to say in response to this? But listen to understand so that you validate that person.
Another really practical way that you can do this is to be present in conversations. I mean, how often are you talking to somebody nowadays and they’re looking at their cell phone, they’re texting or checking their e-mail or something and either half listening so they’re not really hearing what you’re saying, it’s annoying. And I know, I’ve done that to people. I’ve done that to my wife probably today and it’s something I need to do better at, being fully present so that people know that you care. Some of those simple things, if you can be focused on being interested, it’s going to take you so much further with people than just being interesting.
Marcia Hawkins: Kyle, I hope you heard that. Kyle is constantly reading his email when he’s talking to me, Ty, so I’m glad you brought that up.
Kyle Clouse: It’s actually – one of the things I was thinking, Ty, is that it’s so important that instead of constantly thinking about what our responses are going to be, we should be focused on understanding what’s being asked of us. And even a step further, not necessarily what’s being asked of us but we’re also trying to put ourselves in their shoes, from their point of view and their experience to understand that question even at a deeper level.
Ty Bennett: For sure. You think about that, what you’re alluding to is empathy. And empathy is being able to place yourself in somebody’s shoes. I mean, have you ever had an experience where somebody asked you a question where you just felt like, “Wow, they understand me,” where it’s not just repeating what you just said that they are going, “Wow, you know what, they totally get what I’m saying, they’ve been there.” And you feel validated in that.
If you can help people have that feeling – because in a world we are in today, I think we don’t have that feeling enough. We don’t have those connections enough. And in our world that we’ve increased the ability to communicate but because of that, we’ve downgraded our ability to connect a lot of ways and it still comes down to human connections.
Kyle Clouse: So how does someone become a good – well in trying to connect and really understand someone, how are we – what are some things that we can do to focus on becoming a good listener?
Ty Bennett: Well, number one, it takes practice. You have to have the desire to do it. And I think it takes I mean, it takes effort. I find listening is like a very active – it requires a lot of energy-type of process. It’s not just sit back and take it in, just listen but you are listening because you are paying attention to a lot of subtle things. I mean, what’s the body language tell you? Try to put it in context. What else do you know about this person? Are there infractions you’ve had with a person? Try to lead read between the lines. What are they really saying as they’re saying this? Is there something that they are not fully saying or that I’m missing out on? All of those little things you’re trying to fully understand that person.
And so it’s an active process. I think it takes a lot of practice and it takes a lot of effort and in the process you can learn through that and I talked a little bit about it in my book and some of the things that you can do to become a more active listener. There’s a lot of books and things out there on it but ultimately I think it’s just comes down to you and I going out and practicing as we’re interacting with people.
Marcia Hawkins: So your message is very clear. To be a great communicator, you really must be an incredible listener.
Ty Bennett: Absolutely. I think you know, you’re a listener first because you need to understand the people that you’re communicating with and make sure that your message is something that can hit home but understand that we’re on the people business so every single day we get to practice in that business and that’s the fun part.
Marcia Hawkins: I know. It’s really funny because I’ve been self-employed for 20 years and it’s just amazing in terms of how you communicate with your customer whether you’re selling something, whether you’re just dealing with the customer service issue, regardless of what that is, you really – it just astounds me sometimes when people come in with their guns loaded and I’ve seen it a million times.
You go in to the mall at the holidays and people go in and they just immediately are on edge with the sales clerk and they started packing them and they’re trying to return something or whatever it is. And what’s amazing to me is that I just don’t understand why they would put that out there first. When you’re trying to accomplish a goal and yet they immediately put that person on the defense and I just have never been able to quite understand that.
So how do you handle when you’re in a situation where somebody has really ticked you off and how do you kind of boil that down and recover in that conversation?
Ty Bennett: Well, that’s a hard thing to do being that we’re all human and we get caught up in our emotion and we look of those things. I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my cool in most situations. I hope I do because I teach people to focus on being interested first and Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” I think that’s a good rule of thumb. But I was trying to step out of the situation a little bit and look at it from a different angle. Maybe that’s a visual that makes sense. But I try and step out of it and go, “All right, what are they really trying to say and what am I trying to say? Where is the disconnect here?” Because somewhere – if people are having a disagreement, somewhere between where I am and where they are is where we can come together and where we can find an answer to that. The problem is that we just get caught up in our own way of seeing something and it’s really hard to change that mindset. It’s hard to see things from somebody else’s perspective and then even harder to bring two different prospectives together in a place that synergistic and not just one person bows down and says, “Okay you’re completely right and I was completely wrong,” because human nature doesn’t let that happen that often. So I don’t know that I have the perfect way to deal with that. Maybe read crucial conversations or something step-by-step.
Marcia Hawkins: I just wanted to get your perspective on that because I kind of have my own perspective on that and I’ve always said when I’m in a relationship and having a conversation with somebody, if after the third or fourth time that I’ve communicated my feelings, I realize I’m the problem, not them. And I’m very good at identifying when I’m not getting my message across and I can look at myself and really kind of replay that conversation over and over again and try to extract what it is that I’m not conveying or conveying incorrectly. So Kyle is just itching at me to ask you.
Ty Bennett: One thought on that because I think this is such a good take away for so many people. I love the fact that you just put an application to the old saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result.
Marcia Hawkins: Amen.
Ty Bennett: That is a perfect situation where you go, if you try and say something 3x one way that doesn’t work, maybe the other person isn’t the problem. Maybe you don’t just keep hitting the door the same way to actually step back and let’s try a new approach. So yeah, we’ll go to Kyle but I just wanted to make that point because we do that in so many areas of our life and that’s a great application to that.
Marcia Hawkins: Oh yeah, it’s like I’m going to back this car and drive into the cement wall once again. I love this. But Kyle has been – he’s been skyping me and he’s been itching for me to ask you to share the plane story.
Ty Bennett: Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best example of what we are just talking about because this is the story about when I probably didn’t keep my cool the same way. I was thinking levelheadedly but I fly a lot because I’m the speaker I travel all over the world and speak and I’m based in Salt Lake City and Delta has a hub here so I fly on Delta virtually every time I fly and I get upgraded to first-class because of that.
So I was flying from Salt Lake City to Oakland, not too long ago and it’s pretty quite a painless flight and I got upgraded to first-class I was seated in seat 4B and I sat down, I think I was the first person on the plane and I wasn’t paying attention as people are coming on the plane and all of a sudden this gentleman stopped next to me and he said, “Get up, you’re in my seat,”and he said it like a jerk. He said, “Get up! You’re in my seat.” I looked at him and thought wow I mean, “I’m sorry, what seat are you in?”
And he said, “This is my seat. Do you realize this is first-class? You’re in my seat.”
I mean, I don’t know if you ever run into people like this, Marcia but I said, “I realize this is first-class, I’m also in first-class. What seat are you in?”
And he said – then he asked this question I still view as the dumbest question I’ve ever heard. He said, “Did you pay to sit in first-class or did you just get upgraded because I paid for my first-class seat?”
And so I answered him, I said, “I got upgraded, which really stinks for you because that means I paid a lot less money for the exact same seat. What seat are you in?”
And he said, “I’m in 4C,” and I was like, “Ah, you’ve got to be kidding me. I’m sitting in 4B,” and I said, “your seat is 4C, it’s right across the aisle.”
And he just turned without any apology – anything. He just turned and sat down on his seat and I kind of lost my cool with this guy I was like, this guy ticked me off and so I looked across the alley and I said, “You know what, you would suck at what I do.” He was totally flabbergasted. He said, “What do you mean?” and I said, “You’re not good with people. You’re horrible with people.” I said, “Just be nice, it’s not that hard.” And I kind of lost my cool with the guy but the truth is, the point rings true in the fact that winning the people is really not that hard if we’re just genuinely nice people and we focus on that interaction, we make it about them, we can be very influential in that process.
Marcia Hawkins: Again the moral of my story, the gift that keeps on giving, good or bad so you – that sums it all up.
I am so sorry that we have to go but I’m so excited to tell our listeners the Ty’s going to be back with us next week on December 7 at the same time so unfortunately we do have to sign off and we do have to say goodbye for tonight as we are out of time but we promise we’ll be back next week, Wednesday evening with Ty.
We want to thank you so much for listening and we also of course, want to our sponsors and of course our guest, Ty Bennett. Make sure you stop by at LeadershipInc.com and get a copy of this book, you’ll love it.
This is Marcia Hawkins and Kyle Clouse. This is a very uplifting and informative preparative show. We sure hope you’ll visit us. Our site, NewYorkShopExchange.com and get your business moving with video on your very own video business channel. We look forward to chatting with you next week. Again, I’m Marcia Hawkins along with Kyle Clouse. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Male: You’ve been listening to Preparing Business for Business with your hosts Marcia Hawkins and Kyle Clouse. Questions or comments? Email the show at firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, find them on the web at NewYorkShopExchange.com. Until next time. For the best tips on how to manage and grow your busines,s tune in again for Preparing Business for Business with your hosts Marcia Hawkins and Kyle Clouse.